falling in love

I can taste unease in the air. It's so thick, we can make glue out of it.

Sorry, I'm just being weird.

Probably because it’s that time of the year again, when my eyes are a bit blurred by tears pouring out of my heart, which causes my brain to not work properly due of the lack of blood. Or I guess I just watched a ton of movies that the “love” hidden in them have accumulated in me and is wearing me down — especially since I don’t have anybody to help me carry this burden. Or I guess those guys I’ve dated this year are causing me this uncomfortable feeling, which I don't know what to call. But if I try to put it to words, it would be loneliness + longing + smiles + hope + heartache + shortness of breathing + corny + jologs. I may have heart decease for all I know. I am not feeling well so please forgive me for this writing vomit.

I want to tell you about my troubles this past 4 months, and by trouble, I mean men boys.


So there are four guys who have troubled me these past months. There’s, again, P, and you already know him. The other three, I’ve met in this dating site for gay men, which is so popular that even my girl friends know about it. Let’s call this little site Planet Romeo, and let’s call the guys (in order of who I met first): Eyeglasses, Hugs, and Secret. Let me tell you about them.

P is the sweetest and most gentlemanly straight guy I’ve ever met. He has brown skin and a mop of unruly black hair. He’s my friend and when he smiles at me, I forgive him for being straight. When he sees me in the office pantry, he would talk to me like I’m the most important person in the world and my heart would bloat like it would burst any second. But my chance of being with him is similar to the chance of me having an oil-free face. If you see my face in person, you would understand. When I think about him, The One That Got Away plays in my head.

Then there’s Eyeglasses. When we started chatting, I knew that we had a lot in common. Like, being concerned about social issues, travelling, working hard, and knowing the importance of education. When I met him in person, I felt like I was talking to myself. We both had mellow voice and the ways we speak about things are pretty similar. Unfortunately, I felt no attraction for Eyeglasses. I think he liked me… but I wouldn’t want him to hope. He texts me once in a blue moon and I reply, but that’s all.

When I met Hugs, on the other hand, I felt like there was hope. He is a big sweet guy, who offered me free hugs =). I felt like he is someone I can present to my friends and I would be proud of him. He has a well-to-do family that loves him very much. He walked me to the office after our first and only date, offered to pick me up in the office the following week, offered to sleep beside me, and offered to cook for me. I felt so special. Unfortunately, I was soooo busy that time. We had visitors from London (office-related), the following week was Holy Week, and then I’d have to go to Thailand. Sadly, he wasn’t able to wait for me anymore. Also… I was probably putting off our meetings because I think… I was more attracted to Secret, whom I was chatting with, the same time as Hugs. But I don’t really feel guilty because Hugs was also seeing someone, as well as Secret – they told me. And when I say “someone,” I’m actually not sure how many they are seeing. 

Speaking of Secret… I have to admit that among all the guys I’ve met in person through online chatting (6 in total), I like him the best. I like his smile, his beautiful teeth, his laughter, his attitude towards life, his boyish voice, and his eccentric personality. He even makes me forget about P. That’s how special he is. The problem is, of all the guys I’ve met, he’s the one who is least likely to want me as a boyfriend. He doesn’t tell me anything. He doesn’t trust me with his name, doesn’t tell me where he studied, where he worked, doesn’t let me read his blog, doesn’t let me know anything about him. One more thing… before I left for Bangkok, he said there’s someone who makes him “smile a lot lately.” He later told me that the guy became clingy so he ditched him. But. He also said he spent so much cellphone load for that guy. I get chat messages from Secret, but texts… really few. I imagined that if Secret has two boyfriends at one time, the guy-that-makes-him-smile-a-lot and I, I would be the one who doesn’t get the love letters. Okay, wait, my heart is clenching right now… ugghhh… ahhh… okay, done. Ang sakit, shet.

Now I remember again how to feel less loved. And it hurts. A lot. Especially when the world is celebrating love. But I’m probably being unfair to Secret because I don’t know what he really feels or what he’s going through. My friends tell me to just enjoy the moment and not think about negative things... or things that I have no control over. And I guess this is the regular process of falling in love. I wouldn’t know how sweet it is if I don’t know how sour it can get. Oh well, whatever happens though, I hope God would protect my poor poor heart. I pray that He fortifies it with steel to weather all the hurricanes and earthquakes and wars that will come.  Amen. 

[Update on May 3, 2012 -- Secret has officially found someone else. He told me about it like we were the closest friend. Weird thing is... kinikilig ako sa kwento nya. Hahaha... To you, Secret, good luck!]